Disrupting Nutrition, One Nostril at a Time
Founded in 2023 by people who looked at a perfectly good meal and thought: what if we destroyed this and snorted it?
Our Origin Story
It started with a simple question that no one was brave enough to ask: "What if we bypassed the entire mouth?"
In 2023, a group of biohackers realized they were wasting precious seconds — sometimes entire minutes — moving their jaws up and down to process nutrients. Chewing, they argued, was an evolutionary dead end. A relic of a time before we understood the untapped potential of the human nostril.
After 18 months in a garage (and two restraining orders from the FDA), Snortables was born. Our founding team pulverized their first turkey on a Tuesday afternoon using a wood chipper borrowed from a neighbor who has since moved away. The results were, in the words of our Chief Insufflation Officer, "technically edible, nasally."
Today, Snortables serves over 2.4 million nostrils worldwide. We've pulverized thousands of perfectly good meals, employed 14 lawyers, and received more cease-and-desist letters than any other nutrition company in history. We frame them all.
Our Mission
"To liberate humanity from the tyranny of chewing."
Oral consumption is an evolutionary bottleneck. The future of nutrition is intranasal, and we're building it — one pulverized meal at a time.
Leadership Team
Dr. Garrett Phelps
Chief Insufflation Officer
Dr. Phelps founded Snortables after spending 18 months in his garage asking a question no one else was brave enough to ask: 'What if we just bypassed the entire mouth?' He holds no relevant degrees but insists on the 'Dr.' prefix. His previous ventures include a failed meal-kit company and a brief, unsuccessful career in competitive eating.
“Every great innovation was called 'unsafe' and 'please stop' at first.”
Marcus Whitfield
VP of Nostril Engineering
Marcus joined Snortables after a distinguished career in HVAC ductwork, which he claims is 'basically the same thing but for buildings.' He leads our Nostril Engineering division, a team of three people who spend their days measuring nasal passages and arguing about optimal particle sizes. He has never once questioned his career choices, at least not publicly.
“The human nose has 400 olfactory receptors. We're only using 12 of them for food. That's a market inefficiency.”
Darren Kowalski
Head of Pulverization Sciences
Darren oversees all pulverization operations at Snortables, including the NasalMill™, three industrial wood chippers, and a blender he brought from home. Before joining the company, he worked in demolition, which he says 'really prepared me for what we do to food here.' He is the only team member who has been formally asked to smile less during the pulverization process.
“People ask me if I feel bad about putting a Thanksgiving dinner in a wood chipper. I do not.”
Trevor Nakamura
Director of Regulatory Avoidance
Trevor manages Snortables' relationship with regulatory bodies, which he describes as 'mostly one-sided.' He has drafted 47 responses to FDA inquiries, none of which have been sent. His legal strategy can be summarized as 'if we don't open the letters, they can't technically say we've been notified.' He previously worked in compliance, which he found too restrictive.
“We prefer the term 'creatively compliant.'”
Company Timeline
Founded in a garage. Asked to leave the garage.
First successful turkey pulverization.
Launched NasalFuel Original. Received first cease-and-desist.
Expanded to 12 products. Received seventh cease-and-desist.
2.4M nostrils served. Legal team expanded to 14 people.
Introduced NasalFuel Prime. CEO described by Forbes as 'alarmingly confident.'